I have been mostly absent from communicating with you all over social media and I have absolutely been absent from writing. It's not been easy, but I've needed a lot of me-time because I have had a lot going on in my personal life for the past year and a half. I'll start at the beginning and work my way to the present.
First, my hubby and I started the process of fertility treatments last summer, and a year and some months later we're still trying. Anyone who has gone through the process knows it's not an easy one. Not on the body, not on your relationship and more so than anything, it's not easy emotionally. The process, the disappointment that you experience each month and the heartbreak that comes with that disappointment is something no one can prepare you for. And if you're anything like me, you probably internalize most of that heartache. Which is why it's taken me over a year to finally open up to you all. Thankfully, I have been so blessed to have such amazing friends and family in my life, starting with my wonderfully supportive husband. He has been my rock and I am forever grateful to God that he blessed me with such a beautiful, patient, loving man like my Sam. Second, I have two sets of parents (mine and his) and brothers and sisters who have been there for us from day one, loving us and supporting us and just being there with us. I know when we finally do have a beautiful, precious baby we are going to have so much love and help!
Now along with the emotional rollercoaster comes utter exhaustion. Each month I'm given extra hormones that take away so much of my energy. So, on top of working a full-time job and being apart of two Mexican families (also full-time, lol), I am going to doctor appointments and taking extra hormones that make me super tired. And this is where my writing time started to decline. I want you all to know I tried my hardest to write when I could, but it just wasn't enough. I hate that. I hate that I wasn't able to finish Jane's story last year. My writing and all of my amazing readers mean so much to me. I'm still writing here and there, but there has been so much heartache this year just shortly after the holidays that I had to take a break from not just writing but the treatments as well.
In January my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the doctor told us she had only four weeks left to live. As a family we drew closer and we all spent as much time with Grandma during those last four weeks of her life. We had dinners together, played one final game of chinese checkers with her and took lots and lots of pictures with her. And in February God took her home.
Just weeks after Grandma passed I got a call from Aunt on my other side of my family, it was my other grandma, my Nana. She had been in and out of the the hospital for about a year for colon cancer and she was back in the hospital and it wasn't looking good. She was unconscious and had no brain activity. This was it, her final week with us. I visited her in the hospital, whispered my love and goodbye in her ear while holding onto her hand, and in March she was called home.
It tore me to pieces to see each woman suffer and slowly start to fade from this world. It hurt so much to see them not as the strong and vibrant women I always knew them to be. At the same time, I know their pain was taken and they were given peace and eternal joy for which I am grateful. Some moments of some days I find myself grieving and some moments of some days I find that I am slowly gaining peace. I will miss each woman every day, but they will forever live on in my heart and in my memories. They were both beautiful, caring, compassionate, generous women who loved their family tremendously. Their love and impact on my life will carry on through me when one day (I hope soon) I am a mother.
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If you are still here and reading this, thank you! Thank you for supporting me, for supporting my writing and for caring in whatever measure that you do, words cannot begin to express how much it means to me. I hope you'll continue to stick around, because I am nearly done with Jane's story! It will still have to go through the editing process, but I'm hopeful that you will have this book in your hands before the year is up :)
~Happy Reading and God Bless
P.S.
A very special thank you to my angels in disguise, my four-legged fur-babies, Lulu and Conor, who have comforted me and kissed away every salty tear they could get their tongues on :D
To my beautiful and resilient friend! First and foremost: you are incredibly brave and strong for posting this. When we trade in words, the vulnerable ones cost us the most, and I am proud to read this post.
ReplyDeleteI know the words don't come easy when your energy is low and emotions are compromised. Even when we know they can be a life raft to help us process the gravity and grief of what we're going through. When the words mean so much, getting them out and on the page can be a huge mountain our legs and lungs just won't pull us up over. I also know we can shame ourselves in this place, because it should be so easy- they're just words! But I know they're not. Your priorities have been in the RIGHT PLACE through this time. And I know, in the end, you will be a stronger writer. One day both of your beloved grandmothers will sneak their way into a badass character. One day you will nail a passage and empathize with a character going through tough stuff because you allowed yourself this time to go through your own tough stuff. Your words will reach someone struggling through the very things you've been though and they'll feel less alone in this crazy world. It won't make every minute of this worth it per se, but your calling as a writer will make just a little more sense than it did before.
I wish I knew God's plans for our babies! I know it will all come in His perfect timing. I know someday we'll be together, discussing all the new struggles that phase of life will bring, making this phase of life seem so long ago and inconsequential. We may even miss it (just a little) when we whine about lack of sleep or a dirty house. ;) I know the joy of our babies will overcome both that struggle, and the one we're fighting through now.
You are such a blessing in my life and I don't say it enough! I love you!
I say this all the time, I wish we had met earlier in life, but I'm so grateful that us meeting wasn't later than now. God brought you into my life at exactly the time that I needed a friend just like you! I can't wait to conquer all of this with you by my side :D I love you!
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